I was like what the crap is going on with me. I’m not used to being alone. It seems that I am the only person who doesn’t know how to smile. Though, my smile is expensive, it feels like I was devastated for the rest of my life carrying a handful of flaws. I think I was the only person who had a problem. This is not me. Something’s going wrong. Maybe it all started when I knew things weren’t the way it used to be. I keep on asking myself why this and that happens. Why are they doing like this and like that? The action didn’t look so appealing to me. Best friends or best buddies as you may call them, where are they? Where are they when I need them so badly? Where are they when all I want to do is to feel the willingness of the group? Feels like I’m aloof to the group – out of the picture. I almost believe that best friends will always be there for you when they need you. But now I guess I don’t know who to call for help. I don’t know where to run if problems may arise. I don’t know if they still want me to mingle or what. I always experienced being left out. I try to reach out but they didn’t want me to reach them. Have I done something to the group? Feels like I’m a stranger to them already. I always take the blame and the mistakes. Maybe it’s me who is the problem. Maybe it’s me who has this attitude problem.
Peer pressure is tempting. That’s why I get tempted too. But here we go this maturity level stage. I’ve been through this process and it’s killing me. It’s so hard. My perspective and view in life is different from the way I saw things before. I value life and I don’t argue about it. One of my friends said "Are we part of that I change?" I replied yes, definitely. Though it’s hard for me to accept it, I still want to try. I let them explain my entire sentiments ad I was trying not to let my tears fall down on my face. I don’t want them to have pity on me in the end. So I decided to detach from them for quite sometime. I couldn’t believe myself that I was able to tell them what I felt without feeling hatred.
I thought, if I detach I’ll be happy, but the truth is I’m not. I can resist them after all they’re my friends. I didn’t know why I stayed. I’m trying to be decisive but my fickle mind keeps on interrupting. I’m not a fickle-minded person. It’s just that I can’t stand to be alone and I hate being alone. I’m afraid that nobody will be there for me. Tapping their hands at my back and say, "Friend, are you okay?"
Time had passed, it’s all the same - nothing has changed. It’s the old routine. I’m tired. Tired of dealing with immature people. Tired of arguing. Tired of trying to understand their behavior. I don’t know where to take sides. It’s so ironic. Unfair. Nobody cares about me. Nobody would dare to ask me if I’m okay or not. Nobody would say how are you? Nobody would tend to listen. Nobody understands me. Nobody. Where’s the foundation of what we called, "friends".
"Tell me who you’re friends are and I will tell you who you are", famous line from the bible. I don’t believe that the kind of friends you keep reflects who you are. Character, behavior and attitude is within yourself if has nothing to do with who your friends are. "When it hurts to look back and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there" I don’t have a best friend and I don’t believe in best friend. But I have a friend. As what my dad said, "Its fluid". Yes it is. When you go to your school and meet a friend in the lobby and another one in the 3rd floor or somewhere, then its fluid. A bevy of friends is what I have not much of a real true friends. As what Morrie said, "Friends are great but they are not going to be there for you when you’re sick. They’re trying to be helpful." My mom always advise me to choose your friends and yeah I followed her advice. By the way, my mom is one of my closest friends.
Every time I’m in my darkest nights I accept all the pain and ask god for help. It’s alright to love what is in pain. My dad always advise me to "love yourself and be satisfied with yourself before you can love another." I was once in a dilemma and God was helping me to figure out something. That was the time I cried so hard. Now I’ve learned. My prayers have been answered. Full of bliss, is what I’ve felt after all the nightmares that happened. At that time, I remember what my childhood friend Emil said, "You can never find a real and true friend in this permanent world". Indeed it’s true. Somehow it was a battle and it’s worth fighting for. I don’t like to take risks. I’m afraid it will not work out so well.
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